Inuyasha: A Futile Fairy Tale
by Slightly Cynical
Summary: It's the parody event of the year! Join our dysfunction and psychotic heroes as they journey through cliches, skillfully avoid plot advancement and battle their own raging personality defects! Intended for those with a sense of humor. 2 new chapters!
1. Guess Which One of Us Has Issues!

**The Introduction: **

Welcome to my cynical, over-analytical mind. Liked Inuyasha the first time around? Have a sense of humor past a fart joke? Think that maybe the phenomenon is a touch overblown? You could still hate me… I won't mind. This is the result of many cups of coffee (hence the hyper), muted 3 am reruns of the X-Files (hence the dark conspiracy undertones), a skipping October Fall CD (hence the chipper way in which I kill with sarcasm) and a silent resentment of that which I once so loved and my own fickleness for dropping it on its ass. Enjoy my circumlocutory (look it up) self-loathing. See? Cynical _and_ over-analytical!

The disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha in any way, shape or form. I just like to notice sweeping commonalities between each and every plotline. That's Rumiko Takahashi's job.

The other disclaimer: If you don't have a sense of humor, don't bother. This is a work intended to be offensive, irreverent and all-around disrespectful of Inuyasha. I have all the respect of a raving lunatic fan, but I won't apologize for hurt feelings beyond this point. Lighten up.

* * *

It's another beautiful day in the Sengoku Jidai. But, in order to contrast and make the story interesting, everyone is miserable.

"Inuyasha! Why won't you LOVE me?"

"Cause, I'm involved with a dead woman and I want to milk you both dry before I kill you to run away with a transvestite hooker."

"But WHY? Even though I'm relatively liked at school and have the most popular boy there chasing after me, my entire self-image hinges on your opinion of me!"

"Wow. You're pretty pathetic, ain't ya?"

Of course, this is normal conversation for the most dysfunctional coupling of the last 500 years. Meanwhile, Miroku has taken the chance to feel up Sango, but we'll all laugh because we like Miroku and we're pretty sure Sango's screwed in the head anyway. Besides, Sango's either too love-deprived to care or she's a total slut. Either way, she's not pressing charges and we're still laughing.

Meanwhile, Shippo continues to be scarred for life by the dysfunctional adults around him. He'll look back on this when he's a raging demon with abandonment issues and a god-complex and probably laugh.

"Wait," cries Kagome in an overdramatic attempt to draw attention to herself because she doesn't have a daddy. "I sense a jewel-shard!"

At this sentence, Inuyasha regresses from a multi-dimensional half-demon with mommy-problems to a one dimensional psycho with an obsession with all thingy sparkly and giving immense magical powers. He grabs Kagome by the throat and demands to be pointed in the right direction.

Somewhere in the background, Sango is having a panic attack over whether or not the shard belongs to her long lost brother Kohaku. This will probably prompt a feel-good look for the sake of fan service or a heart felt talk later.

Kagome, running quickly out of oxygen has pointed in a general direction. Inuyasha drops her. "Is that all I'm good for?" Kagome whines in her best 'why-can't-you-appreciate-me' voice.

"No, no." Miroku interjects. "You also look sexy in a skirt."

"That's all?"

"Yes." The others respond. It's pretty much true.

And a new adventure begins.

Next Episode: Sweaters for the Homeless… or Mindless Violence!

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor already have carpal tunnel. Flames will be used to build a fire upon which Shippo will be roasted. BAM! Right back at you, Flamers! Whoo-hoo!**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to roll eyes, commiserate, laugh and/or defend my honor as a human being because those without have torn it apart. More is coming. BEWARE!


	2. Mindless Violence!

**The Introduction:  
**Q: Who are you and why are you doing this?

A: We could pretend that I'm just bored, but let's be more creative. Let's say I am a raving lunatic with a god-complex and otherwise I would be classified as a schizophrenic, psychotic sociopath. This is a safer outlet. I mean… unless you want me to eat your dog and frighten your grandma. ;)

The disclaimer: If Rumiko Takahashi left me Inuyasha in her will, I would bequeath it to the first person who would be willing to swallow an African Cave Dwelling Spider. Watching you squirm is worth more than a diluted plotline ever will be.

* * *

When last we left our would-be heroes they were battling their raging personality defects. Or a fire-breathing demon. You know, whatever floats your boat. Now they have returned to replaying flashbacks for the 456th time. Twenty-three more seconds have been wasted, a new record. Animators rejoice.

The collective group decides to make themselves useful by

a) fighting the big dangerous demons and getting another of the millions of jewel shards out there.  
b) saving the villagers without getting a jewel shard, inevitably leading to an Inuyasha-Kagome confrontation then an uncomfortable make-up.  
c) knitting warm winter sweaters for the homeless.

Seeing as Inuyasha is both creatively-challenged _and _selfish, the group decides on option a. The homeless go cold. In the following scenes there will undoubtedly be a destroyed village, at least five references to Naraku and another unnecessary flashback because we all remember all of them (refer to cremated Kikyo / dark Naraku picture / something that happened two minutes ago). Animators rejoice.

The demon they should have started fighting _before _the village was decimated appears. "Fightin' words" are exchanged and for four and a half more minutes Inuyasha and his ridiculously huge sword (keep telling yourself he's not compensating for anything) stare down the competition. Commercial break! Animators… rejoice.

Dramatic overview of scene… and… we're back! Inuyasha attacks with a badly-dubbed assault and stuff… happens. Above all, it is violent. Yay, violence!

As soon as Inuyasha realizes what he was supposed to learn this episode, the monster bastard is destroyed way too easily. No one really cares. Most of the people who would are dead. Kagome further debases the female gender by falling all over herself, skipping over the corpses that could have been spared if only they were there a moment earlier and running to play nurse to Inuyasha's homicidal maniac. Apparently, there was no jewel shard. It was really (insert your own lame explanation here). That would have advanced the plot. God forbid. We need ten thousand chapters (slash episodes).

Kagome is forgotten when Inuyasha has a vague and fleeting feeling that Kikyo the zombie corpse who we've been waiting to die for five hundred chapters is close by. Animators realize that not enough time has been wasted. We must watch an uncomfortable succession of scenes in which Inuyasha and Kikyo exchange a series of touchy and otherwise feely contacts. Heartfelt but (as we all know) utterly meaningless words are exchanged as _someone_ tries to convince us that Inuyasha's really more than a killing machine. Those who fall for the ploy find the whole necromancer thing romantic.

The rest of us shudder, but being loyal fans refuse to acknowledge this underlying necromancy. Less loyal fans have changed the channel. Or are vomiting.

Inevitably, Kagome will find out about this meeting and turn it into a martyrdom which she will use later to illustrate why Inuyasha should be mercilessly beaten into the ground. Apparently, violence plus more violence makes things better. This may also go into her vindicating arsenal which will eventually be used as the next atomic bomb, releasing a vaporizing wave of self-righteous fury upon the land.

Many will perish. Animators will be instantly annihilated.

Next Episode: Hey, this rocks! Let's make a movie about it!

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor are in the corner muttering about how they will destroy me with their half-demon powers. Flames will be used in weenie-roasting as I laugh over your sensitivity. I am so facetious. **

Those with a sense of humor are invited to share in the weenies or a cookie direct from me, home-baked with love. More is coming. BEWARE!


	3. Inuyasha: The Parody: The Movie

**The Introduction:  
**Inuyasha: The Parody: The movie: It's just like the show, only longer! What's not to love?

The disclaimer: If Inuyasha were mine, I would chain him in the basement and make him sing Sonny and Cher duets with himself. Alas, Rumiko Takahashi is currently making him sing shitty JPop karaoke with his crew of misfits. Where's a halfway house when you need one?

* * *

Inuyasha: The Parody: The Movie: Why This Was a Bad Idea in the First Place: Part A: Capybaras Rock!

A gory action sequence begins this movie in order to explain the entire plot to first-time viewers in all of five minutes. We wonder who jumped on board at episode 150, but animators need cash and we're not supposed to question. We're too wrapped up in watching a giant scorpion/turtle/mostery thing get decapitated/dismembered/gutted. A jewel shard is shown so there is an excuse for why this poor scorpion/turtle/monstery thing will not be retuning home to his wife and young… offspringy things.

A note: Despite repeated letters, PETA still ignores this plight.

So anyway, this action scene continues by showing us who we're supposed to want to 'hook-up.' Sango and Miroku will passionately cry each other's names, Inuyasha will rescue Kagome from certain death and Shippo will ruin an intimate moment by screaming and otherwise being a total bitch. (We pretty much all hate this kid anyway. He's probably just there to waste time. Animators… you guessed it… rejoice. (Even though they are vaporized (parentheses (yay).).).)

So, the completely inane monster has been defeated. Yay for the good guys (if you like your good guys cooked rare, with a little dysfunction on the inside)! We see a few uncommon minutes of relaxation in which we are reminded that yes, Inuyasha _really_ likes ramen or that capybaras are the world's largest living rodents or… whatever. Anyway, we think it's totally awesome.

Kagome and Inuyasha have a fight that should end in some huffing and forgetting about it. It doesn't. Inevitably, Inuyasha is pounded into the ground. Kagome goes back to her time because we all forgot that she actually, supposedly, theoretically has a real life. We who are cynical wonder why her family didn't just fake her death and be done with it. Those who are sanguine suggest that Kagome will actually survive this whole fiasco (despite the fact that her only real protector has proven that he could easily kill her while out of control and while in control is being distracted by a corpse. She's screwed.)

Said corpse will now make an appearance! Why? Who knows? She's probably just healing the sick or curing the lame or giving sight to the blind. Like Jesus, but on a homicidal revenge-bender. Anyway, this is a 'ooh, Kikyo is still wandering around, what's going to happen with her?' To which the answer is a resounding 'who cares?' Kikyo is forgotten.

Kagome returns. She and Inuyasha will tentatively make up. The fluff-deprived audience will think this is cute, rather than a sick perversion of unexpressed teenage hormonal instinct resulting in deep-seated resentment of one another. (Don't analyze that…)

Some will use this 'cute' scene to make AMVs. Vaporized animators will rejoice again. Fans will spend many hours downloading. Webrings will be born. There will be joy within the internet community. Hoorah! You blinked. Another fan site was born. Not to worry, you won't miss much. It will be forgotten when the movie drops to the back of the shelf. You know, right behind Initial D.

Back to the story. Kagome will be abducted. Why?

a. She looks cute in a skirt  
b. She can sense jewel shards  
c. Who doesn't want to see 'Vengeful-Inuyasha' in action?  
d. Who else were they going to kidnap? Shippo? That kid's a pain in the ass. And _no one_ would save him.

Right. So, anyway, Kagome is kidnapped. There is much Inu-angst. We think it's cute, not a disturbing display of possession and the guilt complex that internally devours Inuyasha. There are wistful sighs and teary eyes. We think we feel his pain. A few psychos commiserate over how their significant others left them because they were half-demons. Some fans are now realizing that they may be in over their heads.

The entire plot is revealed by an inconsequential character- possibly one with crush on said abductee or inexplicable, before undiscovered family ties to one of the remaining party members. Discussions and impatient Inuyashas ensue.

There is a violent struggle. Alternatively, Inuyasha and Kagome are turned against each other, but somehow overcome mind control/magic thingies because… who knows, they're just kick ass like that. Alternatively or in addendum, Inuyasha and Kagome team up and shit gets resolved. Anyway, 'goodness' (cough, cough) prevails.

To avoid actual payoff, Inuyasha and Kagome must fight… again. Cause otherwise it would be making out to relieve the sexual tension that could castrate an elephant. Credits roll to music that will instantly be downloaded by hundreds of thousands of rabid fans. Yay, merchandising!

Next Episode: Sesshoumaru is around here somewhere! Fan girls rejoice!

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor are assuring themselves that long-winded flames make them sound smart. Flames will be used as a campfire around which we will sing kumbaya. Don't you feel guilty now?**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to share in the feelings of intellectual superiority or the joys of reading thesauruses. More is coming. BEWARE!


	4. Fangirls Rejoice!

**The Introduction:**

Q: Is reading this bad for my health?  
A: As your friend, I am required to tell zee truth to your face. As your author and (licensed in Guatemala) doctor, I cannot lie directly to your face, but if I turn zis way, I can tell you that this fic is in no way, shape or form a negative influence on your health. –giggle-

The disclaimer: How do you know there is a God? Because I do not yet own Inuyasha. Rumiko Takahashi better pray pretty hard.

* * *

So, the movie has ended. We are left with a warm and fuzzy feeling that may or may not be a communicable disease. You can't prove anything! So, the only logical solution is to numb our minds with many filler episodes. We are sad. But we recover. 

Sesshoumaru, promised unto his people many moons ago, has been reincarnated as himself… In all his demi-god, gender-confused, fear-instilling-ly sexual vampiric glory. Many fan girls have melted since this description began. I apologize to their families. Many who don't turn off Adult Swim soon enough are still trying to transmute their Sesshoumaru, but are confused as to what the 'tail-thing' is made of. We can make fun of them because they're not here. Quick, point and laugh. Shhh! They're coming back! And… we're done.

So, anyway, much like the previous two paragraphs, Sesshoumaru's arrival is filled with angel choirs and fanciness… not much more. Like cotton candy: if it wasn't for the sugar rush and rotted teeth, it never would have been there in the first place. There is thoughtful walking. Sometimes stopping and looking… mysterious. Often, musings about… swords… Sometimes… yes, if I had to pick a word "…" would describe him very well. Go me- and a vast knowledge of the English language! Hooray!

Anyway, Jaken makes annoyingly obvious observations- including the fact that Sesshoumaru is hot to all sexes and Jaken is a total closet homosexual. Oh, wait, That's the only thing he hasn't noticed. Poor self-denying toad-animal. The half of us that pity him say: awww. The other half say: dude, that thing is annoying. The other half just fell asleep and left the TV on. The other half can't do math… Where was I? Anyway, we're pretty sure at this point that Rin has the best chance of scoring with him. Gross.

Yet, as we ignore the necromancy a few chapters ago, we're ignoring the pedophilia here. See, we're cool like that.

Now it's time for Inuyasha: The Parody: The Movie: Why This Was a Bad Idea in the First Place: Part B: Red Pandas and why they should be outlawed in Missouri. Shit happens. Basically, the same shit that happened in the first part with a different villain and weakly veiled themes of friendship, love and fuzzes. Many perish. Many more are subjected to unfamiliar, prettied up animation that serves no purpose other than to distract viewers from the fact that they aren't really watching a movie, but the quality of their anime slowly decay and die. So, Sesshoumaru- right!

He's still walking. We're not sure where. We'll probably never know why. But he looks damn cool doing it. Yeah, that's just about it.

Moving on to other characters who are otherwise ineffectual to the movement of the plot… this is an insanely long list, so we're just going to check in on Kouga. Yep. Still… fast. And his buddies? Still not fast enough. We wonder why people like Kouga when he's a total prick. We're still lost.

So, anyway, Kouga shows up, Inuyasha gets defensive. Kagome is an emotional masochist who chooses to keep denying herself love because Inuyasha continues to drop lines that suggest that some day he may actually pretend to like her. Yay! You: "But… but it's cute when he gets all jealous." Me: Yeah, the same way it's cute when a raccoon kills your puppy and guards its dead body as you watch on in total emo angst. Hints: Kagome is the puppy (you know, dead… but on the inside). You're Kouga. (Suck it up, bitch.)

So, anyway, that was pretty much a waste of time. Except now Kagome has a sliver of hope. Not to worry, we'll fix that.

Next Episode: How Naraku Met Kikyo (minus "I'll have what she's having")… then killed her… then pinned it on her boyfriend. Alternatively: Flashbacks save us time and money!

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor have gone into diabetic shock because this has no fluff. Flames will be used to fuel my unquenchable thirst for… chocolate milk! Oooh, scary!**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to pretend that we never had that conversation. What conversation, you ask? Good… good. All is going according to plan. More is coming. BEWARE!


	5. Episode 5: Attack of the Flashback

**The Introduction:**

Welcome to a chapter as useless as the episodes it has been based on.

Wow. I love the reviews on this. Very… original. It's always a good thing when reviews make me laugh. It's nice to know that your audience has a good sense of humor when you're trying to write something funny. It makes things much easier.  
Henceforth, I let the evil speak for itself.

The disclaimer: Inuyasha will never be mine. I mean really, who wants to watch Kagome get a backbone or the story actually progress? Rumiko Takahashi tricks the ignorant so well.

* * *

It's been too long. Therefore we must have more back story. It will reveal nothing new, but the animators all got drunk and forgot to draw for this week so- flashbacks!

We see the usual suspects set to new music. Or not. I'm not even going into detail here because the thought makes me depressed. You have them all memorized, right? I thought so.

So anyway, this wastes one episode and is often called a recap. As in, if I have to watch the same thing again, I'm gonna pop a re_cap_ in somebody's ass. Animators hide their asses. This bores all involved. Sometimes, we walk away. Inuyasha injects more opium into our brains. We change the channel back, hoping that something interesting will come along. No luck.

Next Episode: … wait a minute. Even _I _can't justify that as an episode.

Okay. So Naraku spends this episode crawling through the shadows discussing his evil master plan. No doubt Kagura will watch Naraku crawl through the shadows as she hides in the other shadows discussing her evil master plan. Kikyo may also be hiding… you get the point. Kanna crosses her fingers that someone will soon end her meaningless existence. She's always wanted to be a public speaker anyway. You couldn't tell?

It's been a few minutes since we saw Sesshoumaru doing something meaningless, right?

…

And then Sesshoumaru's all like 'I reproduce asexually- uncomfortable sexual tension.' And there is much uncomfortable sexual tension. Bam! Another episode. Hell Yeah!

Next Episode: Wait. What?… You want more? Sheesh…

It's about time for Naraku to spit out another chunk of quivering, evil flesh. Gross. Some of us suggest he get a girlfriend. Most realize that Naraku must have been quite unloved as a child… or as a quivering, evil chunk of his father's flesh. Some of us hurl. For a most of us, the throw up does not becomes a living breathing child who does our bidding. Thank God.

Repeat chapters one and two as necessary.

Once the monster has been defeated (or is serving his probation hours contributing to his community), we get to see Naraku again. He's probably bitching and moaning about how nobody loves him. Even the cast of Rent wouldn't go to a Life Support meeting with this guy. So, he sends more monsters to do his roundabout bidding. God knows there's some evil plan at the bottom of this. It probably won't matter in the end, anyway. It's not like anything will actually change. Oh! Anticlimactic!

…

At last, we return to the poor excuses for lead characters as they… who knows? Maybe walk across a decrepit bridge or walk along a road at night or walk through a forest. One way or another, the only way the story moves is if somebody turns up dead, preferably an innocent villager. Usually, the one who lost rock-paper-scissors.

So anyway, some mutilated corpse shows up. WAIT! When's the last time Inuyasha got a bitchin' new sword? Way too long ago, if you ask the testosterone-loaded muscle heads who actually watch this show. So, recap. Corpse, new sword. Kagome somehow manages to convince Inuyasha to go help the village that currently has a target on it. Why? Who knows? A billion demons probably sensed a jewel shard (You know, the one our lovely group has) and decided to… well, annihilate the village. Why? Who cares? Demons are stupid. Live with it.

So the big-ass-est demon shows up, spouts a load of garbage about being power hungry and… whatever, chucks around some horses or chickens to prove a point. These horses and chickens didn't even get a chance to play rock-paper-scissors because horses always have rock and chickens always have scary claws. So they just pick the stupid one that blew all its money on slot machines. Last week it was Seabiscuit.

Inuyasha uses his ahem impressive array of swords to defeat the demon. Don't try this at home kids. Unless you have a crazy mystical sword with awesome powers. If you do have said mystical weapon, leave me your name, address, phone number, where you hide your key and when you will be out of your house next weekend. Here is the general outline:

Step 1. Remove rusty sword. Swing around a bit until it turns into something that looks like a bunny impaled on a gigantic hunk of metal. Ooh! Fun!  
Step 2. Swing this sword around a little more. Use some ineffective attacks such as Kaze no Kizu (which looks impressive but does nothing) or Bakuryuha (which has many lame excuses as to why it isn't working right Cite: "Oh, my magical powers are on the fritz. Can someone adjust my antennae? Lower. Lower.")  
Step 3. Get frustrated. Maybe curse a little.  
Step 4. Change sword form again. Red would go nicely with that kimono, no?  
Step 5. Realize that there was no barrier, so that red piece of crap was totally useless. Or Naraku/villain of the week has "evolved" beyond what your crappy sword is capable of. Change sword into sparkly diamondy thing. Laugh triumphantly as you pretend that you conquered the enemy. Look really stupid when demon emerges completely unharmed.  
Step 6. Get smacked around a little. We wouldn't want this demon to look like a wuss. Hell no, not when his girlfriend will be watching this episode.  
Step 7. Whip out some miracle cure and through the power of friendship or some other bullshit, defeat the demon. Watch in self-righteous pride as slowly-dying friend kills himself a little more by sucking in the demon bastard.  
Step 8. Name new sword something wicked cool even though all it does is turn rocks into marshmallow peeps.  
Step 9. Walk off triumphantly into the sunset.

Oh! Treat for you: A new ending song has been used to convince you that Inuyasha is fresh and original. -Snort- Oh, did I do that out loud?

Is it working?

Next Episode: Harry Potter and the aging nympho werewolf vampire…

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor are contemplating a homicide using the samurai swords they swear they know how to use. They forget that three episodes of Ruroni Kenshin do not actually qualify as training. Flames will be used as fodder for later pointing and laughing.**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to laugh as those without swing around shiny metal objects and try not to take out their own eyes. More is coming. BEWARE!


	6. Harry Potter and the ANWV

**The Introduction:**

The disclaimer: Burn count - Rumiko: 3 Me: 300  
See, Inuyasha? Join the dark side and get way more burns...

* * *

So, how long has Takahashi been trapped in her basement writing this? Eleven years? How long have I been asleep? What else did I miss? Inuyasha carrying Sesshoumaru's love child? Sango revealing herself as a transvestite hooker? Shippo- wait, no. I don't care. Damn you, Kikyo's knock-people-out-for-decades arrows!

Where were we? Oh, yes. Let's wrap this up, shall we? Since the last update, Kikyo, Kagura and Kanna have died. Kanna never became a public speaker. Kagura never managed to have a decent makeout scene with Sesshy. Kikyo never became fertilizer. What kind of ending is that? Well, whatever.

Naraku has spawned 30 more creatures who are either in Kagura's favorite 'lurking' stage of life or have committed suicide by some means of fight. Inu has decided to become an angsting emotional wreck so that Kagome is forced into compassion overdrive. Some of us think she is not so much the incarnation of Kikyo as she is the incarnation of a Care-Bear. Uncomfortable shoulder touching is exchanged.

Fans who have been deprived of fluff for six hundred episodes crawl out of their comas and pray to their almighty fluff god that maybe some issues will be resolved. Their prayers are in vain.

Ten / one hundred more episodes / chapters pass. Inu thinks he has learned something new about his:  
a) Father, who, despite being a sexy beast employed for fanservice, is merely a pawn in the sick game creators are playing.  
b) Sword, which has really done nothing but give us an excuse to watch Sessh brood and glance at Rin… curiously? God, please save the innocents.  
c) Umm… Fleas, which have secretly ravaged his once silky coat, making it course and unmanageable. And Kagome keeps bringing him shampoos that are not specifically for his dry, split ends! The Angst!

Continuing onward down our spiraling death of all that anime stands for, we'll meet… someone reach into the bag of clichéd monsters and pull out a good one! Or are there any suggestions from the audience?

"Aging vampire!"

"Nympho Werewolf!"

"A scantily-clad mudblood!"

Harry Potter, I told you to stay in your own fandom! This should not be a crossover. Ever. It stands alone, like a noble lion on a pile of shit. And maybe the lion is emaciated and a little bit effeminate, but it's our lion! Get out! Aren't you dead yet?

"No! That was a false rumor spread by- OW!"

Now that Harry Potter has been disposed of, we can return to the task at hand. So an… aging nympho werewolf vampire… what works? Oh, right. When in doubt… Kidnaps Kagome!

There is much gasping and Inuyasha self-loathing and… remember the angst? It's back!

Next Episode: MadLibs are fun! (Verb), Inuyasha! Save (Pathetic Human Girl) from (Generic Monster)!

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor stopped reading around chapter four or recently popped an artery. Flames will be donated to charities to save the lives of the humorless. ANGST!**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to dance with my coven on the equinox, then get bored, go home and eat brownies. More is coming. BEWARE!


	7. MadLibs are Fun!

**The Introduction:  
**The disclaimer: If Barney the Dinosaur fought Inuyasha in a cage match to the death and the only weapon was sheer coolness... Only I could win.  
Thankfully, I don't have to deal with either of them.

* * *

So Kagome is kidnapped. Yes, you heard me. Again. By an aging nympho werewolf vampire (henceforth, ANWV).

How? She was probably wandering naked through the woods again for another bath. You know, the usual. Or, as usual, her thighs lengthened enormously so that her skirt could shorten enormously. Why do we like a character that looks like she just came stumbling out of a strip club with a handful of ones sticking out of her thong?

Who wouldn't kidnap that? No, we're not counting Jakotsu.

Anyway, Kagome is gone, Inuyasha harps on his being inadequate and it's just about time we saw Miroku feeling up Sango again, just to lighten the mood. Cause don't you feel extra horny when your best friend gets abducted? That was rhetorical. I'd be happier without the answer.

So the gang skips along their merry way. Wait. How long has it been since this story had dialogue? Five chapters? Damn…

So on skippeth the merry mob (who shall henceforth be called party 1) to ye olde rescuing place.

"Waiteth!" sayeth Inuyasha…eth… "I'm tired of looking. Isn't it about time a random stranger came skipping along to tell us Kagome's exact location?"

"Why yes," declareth Miroku. "I-"

"I have arrived!" gaspeth a random villager number 1 (who shall henceforth be called party 2)

"Where is Kagome?" quoth party 1.

"I knoweth not," babbleth party 2, "but perhaps that large neon sign (which shall henceforth be referred to as party 3) may assist you in finding your friend."

"This is a suspicious place," pointeth outeth party 3, as evidenced by dark and otherwise scary woods (which shall henceforth be referred to as party 4).

And we're done. So, the gang plus the random villager continue on their merry way, skipping toward said suspicious place. Said villager will tell the story of the suspicious place, inevitably using the words "doomed" "curse" and "the" and also maybe "Chlamydia." Of course, the place will either glow… spookily… or be disturbingly "normal" looking.

Inuyasha is pissed. The kind of pissed he often gets- like when you step in a pile of horse crap or you lose all of clothes in strip poker. Of course, he has to be pissed that somebody stole his woman. If he wasn't he'd just be bored. Like the rest of us.

So everyone's pissed or horny or emotionally unhinged. Anyway, the merry band are off to find Kagome. This time, they have realized that the diabolical villain is none other than a gigantic scary monster having some connection to Inuyasha's father, brother, sword-maker, mother, groomer, whoever is convenient.

So they have found the scary fortress. For whatever reason, Miroku and Sango have to wait outside. (Inuyasha and Kagome are going to need some alone time after the rescue so the fluff druggies stay hooked.)

So Miroku and Sango are hanging out outside. Inuyasha is charging in after his skank and Kagome is inside trying to pull some crazy psychiatrist shit on her abductor to understand his pain. Unfortunately for her, everyone else knows that aging nympho werewolf vampires don't have any unresolved issues (they have very supportive fathers.) What they do have is power lust.

So said ANWV is after the almighty power of the sacred jewel. Of course, Kagome, being the eternal screw-up that she is, only has two pieces since the rest were lost to punk ass bitch Naraku, who is invariably involved in the kidnapping. Why? Who really knows? If you had to wear a baboon suit, you'd be upset, too!

So Inuyasha comes charging in, sword swinging and rescues the fair maiden in distress. The fluff junkies are shaking. They are shivering as Inuyasha and Kagome act bashful. They are running through imaginary scenarios with all the creativity of a bad porno as the two try to speak... They are holding their breath as... a fight breaks out. Why? Remember that character development... No, of course you don't. Because it doesn't happen!

The fluff junkies are-

Oh, dear God, we lost one.

* * *

**Those with no sense of humor are the junkies laying on the floor gasping for air, so they pose no threat. No flames will be necessary since they are burning in their own personal hells.**

Those with a sense of humor are invited to just turn off the damn TV. More is coming! BEWARE!

In Memoriam: K.S. (Fluff Junkie #886-510B-1235Q)


End file.
